


Snowed In

by whenineternal



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, M/M, Post-Canon, Secret Relationship, reconnecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 08:28:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10567488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whenineternal/pseuds/whenineternal
Summary: Amongst the fur and blankets they fall in love a third time, this time in it's absolute.





	

**Author's Note:**

> crossposted from my lj account after ages.

The small, tastefully decorated cabin is lit in soft candlelight. The brown tiled bathroom smells of pomegranate and vanilla from the two scented block candles, while the main room is decked with high candles on every surface and the fireplace spreads comforting warmth into the room.  
Outside the snow is falling thicker by the minute, as it has since the night before, and it is only barely possible to see out of the square windows, as covered in snow as they are. Already when they woke that morning the door was impossible to open, refusing to budge against the strong hard-packed snow and they have been trapped inside since. It was five hours ago that they lost the light. Still, they cannot help but think that this is the best to have happened to them in a very long time.  
  
The white fur throw laid in front of the fireplace is encircled by pillows and blankets all in maroon and brown and the make-shift haven feels soft against Yixing’s back. He can feel the warmth from the fire lick at his side and the soft hairs tickle his skin as Yifan’s comforting presence eases him gently into the softness of the moment, again and again. The heavy weight of Yifan on top of him and his hard length inside of him clouds his mind and veils his eyes in a hazy blanket, until all he can see are spots of golden light and Yifan’s eyes burning into his. Their mouths meet in a soft kiss, lips dragging lazily over one another and tongues gently tangling together in the middle, sliding wetly against each other and into open mouths to explore and mark already claimed territory. And their hands searches for an anchor in the other as their feelings sweep them away into a pleasure, and a love, that they have not felt for each other for several months.  
  
*  
  
                                   9 months earlier  
  
The clock above the door chimed as another customer entered the small music shop on the corner, right across from a dumpling vendor and between an independent grocery store and an authentic centuries old teahouse, minutes before closing. Yixing left the teenage boy he was tending to, one of his students, with the guitars to greet the man in the front of the shop. With the blinds already closed for the night they did not hesitate to meet in a kiss and a lasting hug and whispered greetings and affections. Yifan had been away again, for more than three months this time, to film an action movie of sorts in northern China and Russia, and phone calls and video chatting were not the same as touching and feeling and whispers in his ear.

  
Yixing pushed away from Yifan for a moment to usher the teenage boy out of the shop with a promise they would prolong their next lesson together, and locked the door safely before tugging on Yifan’s hand and running up the stairs to their apartment on the first floor. He could hear Yifan’s low laugh behind him and large hands on his hips when they reached the landing that pushed him gently against the wall and slipped under his loose shirt when Yifan caught his mouth again with more intent that the last, pushing his tongue inside Yixing’s mouth and tickling his sides with calloused fingers.

  
He liked Yifan’s fingers, callouses on both hands and not just the tips of his fingers like Yixing, Yifan had lost a lot of the softness of his vain youth. Yixing slid his hands over Yifan’s broad shoulders and up his neck to the back of his head, his hair was cut short, barely a centimeter in length for this role, and the short hair scratched his palms. He moaned as the hands left his sides and settled instead at his thighs, right beneath his bum, to lift him up and Yixing wrapped his legs around Yifan’s waist as they left the landing for the dark entryway of their home. Yixing still remembered when they were younger, when they first met and first fell in love, and Yifan would lift him up like this and hold him against the wall when Yixing was too exhausted to keep his own legs under him, before they grew out of their teenage years and Yixing gained more muscle and Yifan didn’t. He still remembered when they met again and fell in love for the second time and Yifan could once again lift him up and carry his weight when Yixing was too weak to do it himself. He was reminded of falling in love with Yifan every moment they spent together, and he could not imagine a time when he wouldn’t.  
  
                                    1 month and 15 days later  
  
The little girl, only eight years old, sitting on a pillow across from him strung another chord on the ukulele in her hands and Yixing clapped when she once again got it right. This was only their third lesson together and they had already gone through the entire range of the ukulele and had started stringing the chords together in impromptu melodies. For such a young child the girl was extraordinarily talented and a quick learner, and as Yixing had told her parents, he was simply honored to be her teacher. She was already quite well versed with the piano and as she put down the ukulele, careful as always, Yixing pulled out a short piece for the tangents to end their lesson with. The girls mother was waiting on a chair in the corner of the room, watching her child with fondness and Yixing felt a tiny spark of envy at the sight. While Yifan was all he needed, Yixing had always loved children and not being able to have a child of his own was a hurt that would never heal. He knew Yifan felt the same, but while Yixing had known since he was very young that he would never want to be with a woman, and therefore would never be a father, Yifan’s experience was different. Knowing that Yifan could have had a proper family by now if he had never met Yixing, was one of the things that always made Yixing feel insecure in their relationship and knowing that Yifan had willingly given that up when he chose Yixing was only somewhat of a comfort.  
  
Standing from his relaxed position on the floor, Yixing walked quietly over to the girl’s mother and tapped her shoulder. The two walked to the front of the shop, still in clear sight of the girl at the piano, so they could talk in peace.  
«Your daughter is very gifted Mrs Chim» Yixing started, nodding at a browsing customer, «and she is a delight to teach, I would hate to loose her.» Mrs Chim smiled graciously and nodded her head, laying a chaste hand on his elbow.  
«She is very fond of you Mr Zhang» she said and cocked her head slightly, letting her hair fall loose from behind her ear.  
«However, I don’t think that I am suited to,» it was difficult to say and he tried not to lay blame on anyone for it but as it was, «I am not good enough for her. She needs a better teacher, someone who has more experience than I do, talents more reflective of hers. I believe, if this is something she wants, it would be best for her to continue her tutelage at an institution or a school.»

  
Mrs Chim hummed and nodded again, cocking her head to the other side and placed her hand once again on his elbow, possibly to show her sincerity when she said, «you are a wonderful teacher Mr Zhang, my daughter could not have asked for better. I think it would be best for her to remain your student, if she wants to continue in a couple years than we can talk about it again.»  
Yixing walked to the cashier to service the waiting customer, wanting the distance between them as Mrs Chim had inched steadily closer to him while she talked. He kept a larger distance when he returned.

  
«I understand, but I wish you would at least think about it, maybe visit some here in Changsha before you make up your mind», he said, watching Mrs Chim’s face fall slightly when she bit her lip and glanced from Yixing to her daughter and back a few times before she spoke again.  
«My husband and I are getting a divorce!» she burst out, louder than she intended and she glanced quickly at her daughter to find her absorbed in the music, «I don’t know yet how much I will get from him, I don’t know if I will even get our daughter!» she sobbed quietly and leaned almost against Yixing’s shoulder. Yixing looked around the store, finding no customers and the girl still as lost in her playing, his eyes landed lastly on his part-time help and student, Zhu Chuanli who was watching them with an amused tilt of his mouth.

  
«I am sorry, Mrs Chim» she sobbed louder, «I will of course be her teacher for as long as you want me to», he stammered out eventually with a hesitant pat on Mrs Chim’s shoulder. The excessive proximity Mrs Chim tried to impose made Yixing more than a little uncomfortable and it was with relief that he showed the mother and daughter out a couple minutes later.  
  
It was closing time when Chuanli approached him about the incident.  
«She has the hots for you, teach», the teenager teased, waggling his eyebrows in a way very reminiscent of how Yifan would always do when he wanted something from Yixing. Yifan had left only that morning, off to shoot location shots for a new movie, and would only be gone little more than a week, but Yixing felt a sting of loneliness at the image and the memories they brought him.  
«Too bad for her, she’s not going to get anywhere with you. Though I would say it’s more a burden for you than for her, not being able to tell her you’re spoken for», Chuanli was one of the few to know about Yixing and Yifan’s relationship, knowledge he came about by accident, and though he was never malicious he loved teasing Yixing about it.

  
«It really is a shame» he trailed off with a look at Yixing before he turned away, picking his bag and guitar from behind the cashier and throwing a goodbye over his shoulder as he disappeared out the door. Yixing was left standing in the middle of the store, dumbfounded and just a tiny bit red in the cheeks. He knew Chuanli was open-minded when it came to a lot of things, but this was something he could not comprehend. But he knew that look; Yifan gave it to him all the time, that quick scan of Yixing’s body and a meaningful lingering eye contact. He loved Yifan and wanted no one but him, but he would be lying if he said it didn’t feel good to know that someone other than his boyfriend found him desirable.  
  
                       9 days later  
  
Thursdays, for some reason, were always slow days at the shop. With the exception of Chuanli, Yixing had no lessons on Thursdays and so far that day there had only been two customers. So as to entertain themselves Yixing and Chuanli, who most often stayed behind after his lessons, would perform improvised music for each other. Yixing was sitting at the piano, one hand tugging at Chuanli’s wrist and the other running up and down the tangents, playing soft tones. Since Chuanli began his lessons Yixing had been trying to get him to learn the piano, so far he had had little luck.

  
«Piano’s not for me teach, I’ll just stick to the guitar and my bongo drums and let you tune your piano to my percussions» Chuanli insisted and tugged his wrist free of Yixing’s grip. Yixing let him go, but turned around on the piano bench so they were facing each other.  
«Why do you speak like that?» he asked. Chuanli’s casual speech had never bothered Yixing, but with the new revelation of Chuanli’s thoughts (feelings?) about Yixing, a lot of what he said, and things he had said before said revelation, sounded different to him. Chuanli looked at him for a moment too long with a raised eyebrow and that amused curl to his lip and cocked his head, not unlike how Mrs Chum had done.

  
«Why do I use musically inspired innuendos to flirt with you?» he asked bluntly, and Yixing felt his cheeks heat at the simple admission of what he had already been thinking. He shifted uncomfortably on the chair, turning back towards the piano and letting his fingers push softly at the tangents.  
«You know flirting with me won’t get you anywhere Chuanli» he said. He heard Chuanli sigh heavily behind him.  
«But doesn’t it feel good? To have someone actually flirt with you?» Chuanli asked and Yixing turned around with a frown on his forehead and his fists clenched loosely, ready to spout a retort. No words came and his frown slackened and his mumbled retort of «you don’t know what you’re talking about Chuanli» fell flat and without conviction.

  
There was silence for a moment and then Chuanli was sitting down next to him on the chair, demanding he teach him how to play the piano and Yixing smiled as he placed his hands back on the white and black polished wood of the grand piano. It was an hour later, when Yixing and Chuanli were laughing together and Chuanli was, as he had been a lot during the last hour, sitting too close to Yixing, that Yifan came in the door. He had only watched for a few moments when Yixing looked up and noticed him standing there. Yixing jumped up with a cheery «Yifan» and almost scrambled to greet him as fast as he could. He took in the tired droop of Yifan’s shoulders and after a quick hug he ushered him upstairs to nap while Yixing closed the store and prepared dinner for them.  
  
It was to the smell of broccoli and beef stir-fry that Yifan came shuffling into the kitchen two hours later, still looking tired but not as exhausted as he had before. His brow however, was still furrowed and he didn’t speak as he sat down at the table, only watching Yixing and humming when Yixing asked him about how the filming had gone. They ate in silence, Yixing finally realizing that something wasn’t quite right and deciding to wait until after dinner to approach Yifan about it. Putting the dishes in the sink to be dealt with later Yixing joined Yifan on the loveseat in the living room where he had gone without a word once he had eaten, and curled hesitantly against his side. He swallowed when Yifan’s arm came around him, but his boyfriend’s attention stayed on the news channel he was watching. Unable to take the silence any longer Yixing asked if there was something wrong, believing maybe something had happened while Yifan was gone. He got nothing but a grunt in response to his questions and it made him frown up at Yifan.

  
«Why are you being like this to me Yifan?» he asked, his voice was quiet and not accusative, but he felt the slightest flicker of irritation ignite in him. He had done nothing to deserve Yifan’s attitude.  
«What did you do to get Chuanli to play the piano?» Yifan asked suddenly, confusing Yixing with the almost acidic tone in Yifan’s voice when he talked about Chuanli. Yixing stumbled a little in his own head, wondering whether to tell Yifan about Chuanli’s confession and deciding quickly it would do no good, and since Yixing never imagined anything would actually happen he didn’t see how it could be relevant. Yifan didn’t need to know.  
«I don’t know, I guess he got tired of me pestering him all the time» Yixing stammered. He sat up on his knees on the couch so he could look at Yifan properly.  
«What does that have to do with your mood?» he asked. Yifan scoffed and turned the television off, getting up from the couch he pulled a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and grabbed a lighter from the low table in front of them. Ignoring Yixing’s cry of his name Yifan closed the balcony door behind him with a definite slam.  
  
Yixing sat for several minutes simply watching Yifan through the glass door before heading to the kitchen to do the dishes. He washed with hard, angry movements and when he finished left the dishes in the drying rack. Drying his hands and squaring his shoulders Yixing marched back into the living room with purpose and almost ran into Yifan coming from the balcony, obviously with the same intent.  
«Is it wrong of me to want to come home and not have it invaded by someone else in the time I was gone?!» Yifan burst out, all the anger he had been building up while smoking let out at once.

  
«Can I not, for once, come home and have you be there, just for me, or is that too selfish again? Am I ever going to be able to want you without you telling me to take a step back, to not be so selfish, to not try and restrain you, because that’s not what I’m doing Yixing!» This argument is getting old, Yixing thought. For the last months they had had this same argument over and over again, so that now it seemed like they would just pick up where they left of last time. This was however new.

Their argument had always been about either being too absorbed in their work, but never had any of them thought that there was something other than work behind their lessening contact and Yixing felt hit, the accusation like a physical blow and he thought instantly of Chuanli and how he was right that it felt good to have someone flirt with him. Because while his and Yifan’s sex life was as healthy as ever, they never go on dates, they hardly even cook together anymore and cuddling is reserved almost only for the bed. He can’t remember the last time Yifan seduced him with one of his cheesy pick-up lines and he knows that the last time he did a strip-tease for Yifan, something he used to do almost weekly, was more than five months ago, on Yifan’s birthday.

  
Yixing grows quiet and he can see Yifan’s face fall in realization the moment before Yixing’s eyes dropped to the ground and he moved around Yifan, not saying a word. Yifan’s hand catches his elbow before he can pass and his grip is gentle, thumb rubbing circles at the joint, «Yixing I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that of course I didn’t.» Yixing won’t have it, it doesn’t matter if Yifan meant it or not, he said it so obviously he’s thought about it, and if they are going there than Yixing would have far more reason to be suspicious. Yifan surrounds himself with beautiful women all the time, it’s part of his job, while the only company Yixing has is a teenage boy twelve years younger than him (leaving out the fact that said teenage boy has expressed an interest in Yixing despite knowing he is taken). Tearing free from Yifan’s loose grip Yixing walks quickly towards the bedroom, not saying a word because knowing if he did this argument would only turn more ugly. And Yifan is finally staying home for more than a couple weeks at a time and Yixing was hoping they could do something together other than argue.

  
«Don’t walk away from me now Yixing», Yifan calls after him «Yixing!» and the angry tone of his voice makes it impossible for Yixing to simply walk away. He storms back, getting right up in Yifan’s space and snarls his thoughts right at him, pulling names of actresses from his head that he knows Yifan has worked closely with, emphasizing the ones he has made contact with outside of work, uncaring of Yifan insisting he has nothing but friendship with any of his coworkers.  
«You accuse me of cheating when I find friendship in another man when you are gone most of the time and when you’re here you don’t seem to care enough about me to make an effort! Do you even remember the last time we did something special together?»  
The silence after Yixing’s outburst is absolute inside the spacious apartment and Yixing waits for all but five seconds before he turns back with a huff and leaves Yifan standing alone in the living room.  
  
After shucking all his clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor, Yixing crawls under the blankets on their bed and curls against his pillow. His shaky breath warms his face when it ricochets of the pillow and the tears fall intermittently down his cheeks for the hours he lay there alone, listening to the music Yifan has put on in the other room and the city sounds on the street outside. It’s nearing midnight when the door opens and Yifan walks in. He had spent the last half hour in the bathroom, the sounds of the shower and later the blow dryer drifting through the walls, and Yixing remembers a time when Yifan would spend half an hour only taking care of his skin and wonders how much they have lost growing up.

  
Yifan stops at the side of the bed and Yixing has to fight his instinct to turn when he hears the sound of soft terrycloth hitting the floor, knowing that Yifan is standing naked so close to him. The covers lift and Yifan slides into bed behind him, pressing his front against Yixing’s back and trailing a hand up Yixing’s naked arm.  
«Don’t ever think that I don’t love you Yixing» he breathes into Yixing’s ear. The hand on his shoulder caresses down his chest and the outside of his thigh and Yixing gives under it. Turning in Yifan’s hold Yixing surges forward, pushing against Yifan’s chest and catching his mouth in a bruising kiss. Yifan’s hands curl around Yixing and they settle back into the pattern of the last six months.

  
«I’m sorry I made you feel that way,» Yifan talks around Yixing’s tongue, «whatever you want, this is for you», he hesitates, «you can have me if you want». And Yixing knows he is sorry, because while it wouldn’t be his first time bottoming, Yifan has no love for it, and the only time it happens is when Yixing asks for it and Yifan feels obligated to give him what he wants. And even if Yixing feels the rush of taking his own pleasure in Yifan and leaving it at that as a form of revenge, run through him, the thought of Chuanli holds him back. Instead he pulls his own underwear of and rolls them over so he can sit across Yifan’s thighs and push their growing erections together. They both moan at the contact and Yixing leans across the bed to his nightstand, grabbing the bottle of lube from beside the lamp where he left it last night and covering his own fingers in it. He sees Yifan swallow nervously and takes pleasure in it before pushing two fingers inside himself at once.

Confusion rolls over Yifan’s face for a moment before he takes hold of Yixing’s hips, his usual control back in full, and rolls their hips together. Yixing makes quick work of preparing himself, desperate for the feel of Yifan’s cock inside him, and sinks down, foregoing the condom for the hot glide of Yifan bare inside him, and groans out his own pleasure as Yifan bucks his hips against his backside. The burn of Yifan’s girth stretching him further than his own fingers and Yifan’s fingers bruising his hips as they move together in a fast rhythm, pulls Yixing into a whirlwind of hot pleasure. He lifts up and drops down in steady concession, loving the drag of Yifan’s cock against his walls.  
Yixing comes with Yifan’s hand around him and Yifan’s cock throbbing against his prostate, his back on the bed and his legs over Yifan’s shoulders and Yifan follows a moment later to the clenching of Yixing’s walls, painting his insides with his come.  
A minute later, when Yifan pulls his cock out and places Yixing’s legs gently on the bed, when their breath has slowed and the haze of the moment is gone, Yixing gets up. Grimacing at the feel of hot come sliding out of him he walks to the bathroom and showers alone.  
  
                   4 months later  
  
Lu Han appeared unannounced at the front of the store, sunglasses on and hood drawn up, reminiscent of the times they would sneak out and buy Chinese food from stalls when they were homesick or to a pub if they needed the reprieve of alcohol.  
In the years since he left Korea, Lu Han had made a steady career for himself as a solo singer, as well as he had several block buster movies on his resume. He and Yifan had starred in one together a few years back. And he was just as famous, if not more so, than he had been as a member of a popular south-korean boyband. Even cities apart their friendship had never diminished and Yixing was more than happy to see him there, almost like he was summoned by Yixing’s desperate need for him.

When Lu Han smiled at him, taking his sunglasses off, Yixing felt the tears well in his eyes and uncaring that it was still three hours until he would usually close shop, he locked the door and lowered the blinds and dragged Lu Han up the stairs for a cup of tea. Lu Han laughed at him when they finally hugged and his laugh was still the same, his face and his warm eyes and the way he searched every inch of Yixing’s to see if he was well. A small frown painted his lips, but Yixing scuttled off to the kitchen before he could say anything. This conversation needed tea, possibly something stronger, for Yixing to get through.

  
It had been three weeks since they last spoke, and almost two months since they met like this, but they had always found that the other’s constant presence was not necessary and nothing ever changed no matter how long they spent apart. With his shop and his students to take care of Yixing did little traveling, only taking a week here and there to go to Beijing when Lu Han was working on a new album, as he was his primary songwriter, and Lu Han travelled mainly for work, preferring to stay at home with his family as much as he could.

  
Seven years before Lu Han met a Chinese-American woman called Ginny (or Liyin as she also introduced herself as), on the set of his second movie, and the two had fallen hard and fast, marrying in secret only five months later. Yixing was not alone in thinking it wouldn’t last long, but after seven years and two kids he would have to admit that Lu Han and Ginny’s relationship was far stronger than his own with Yifan, and theirs was a love, he had always believed, that would last the ages. As romantic as it sounded.  
  
When they settled on the kitchen table, a cup of red tea each and vanilla biscuits on a plate between them, Yixing told Lu Han everything. His eyes stayed dry as he told Lu Han about the distance, his voice steady when he told him how it feels like Yifan has fallen out of love with him, his fingers remained still when he finally told Lu Han about the constant fighting and he only broke when he realized how badly he had missed Lu Han. With blurry sight and shivers wrecking his body Yixing felt Lu Han guide him towards the couch in the living room and as they curled together on one end, Lu Han leant back against the armrest and Yixing’s head pillowed on his chest, Yixing felt more loved than he had in months.

  
«Han, tell me about my little nephews» Yixing mumbled into Lu Han’s t-shirt. The twin boys were four years old and their father’s image, both in appearance and in their love for football, and their kindness even at such a young age was entirely reminiscent of Lu Han. And as Lu Han told him with deep fondness in his voice about their antics, Yixing felt a peace settle over him that always accompanied his best friend’s comforting presence.  
Hours later the sky was dark and their conversation had faded into comfortable silence, only the soft tinkling of instrumental music playing through the room, and Yixing was half asleep when Lu Han spoke again.

  
«I don’t understand you sometimes Yixing, neither of you» he sighed. «You fight so much, you have for so long now, but all you fight about really is how much you love each other. I don’t get it, and I don’t understand why it has to be so hard for the two of you. You don’t deserve it, your relationship doesn’t deserve this,» he stopped suddenly. «You’ve been through too much to just give up like this Yixing.»  
«We haven’t given up anything Han», Yixing protested but Lu Han silenced him with only a look.  
«Then where is he Yixing? At a press con? For half a day and long into the night?» Every question was like a knife to his gut, not because he had not thought the same himself, but because it was Lu Han asking the questions, and Lu Han could always reach him where he felt it the most.  
They fell asleep like that, quiet and curled together on the couch, and Yixing almost thought Lu Han had been right until he woke up and a blanket was covering him and the bedroom door was closed.  
  
Lu Han left after a quick breakfast and a promise from Yixing to come up to Beijing in a month or so to work on his next album. After he was out the door of the shop, Yixing slowly cleaned up the dishes and folded the blanket together, all the while casting glances at the still closed bedroom door. He made a decision and walked on hesitant feet towards their bedroom and opened it. Yifan was sitting on the edge of the bed in only his boxers, his hair wet from the shower, and looking out of the window. The only light in the room came from the lightening sky outside and Yifan looked impossibly handsome to Yixing. With his breath caught in his throat and his hands shaking Yixing crawled onto the bed and settled with his arms around Yifan’s shoulders. He felt Yifan stiffen for a moment before he relaxed and Yixing relaxed along with him and they sunk onto the bed, Yixing pressed against Yifan’s back with his arms still around Yifan’s broad shoulders and his leg slung across Yifan’s hip. He buried his face in Yifan’s hair and smelled his shampoo, mumbled soft _I love you_ against the wet strands and Yifan turned around in his arms and pulled Yixing against his chest and mumbled _I love you too_ against Yixing’s lips.  
  
                         1 month later  
  
Yifan had been gone for almost a month when Yixing made the greatest mistake of his entire life. He blamed it on the fact that even if it was only a few weeks since Yifan last touched him, it was four months since they last had sex. He knew however that his weakness could be blamed on nothing but himself.  
Chuanli had spent the entire day at the shop with Yixing and was helping him clean up after the day. The store was closed and the blinds were drawn and Yixing was more than ready to lock the door and fall into bed and sleep the entire weekend away.

Chuanli had taken to Yixing’s habit of wearing low-necked tank tops and his impressive chest and collarbones were distracting and more tempting to Yixing than he knew they should be. He reasoned with himself that it was tiredness and the simmering need in him that was clouding his head, because while Chuanli was handsome in his youthfulness, Yifan was so much more mature and experienced in his body and that’s what he was missing. He just needed to get in bed, maybe rub one out and he would be alright and stop looking at Chuanli in any way that was not strictly platonic. That was not to happen however, and when Yixing and Chuanli met at the shelf holding book upon book of piano notes and Chuanli teasingly rubbed against Yixing’s back when he passed, something he had done for months without Yixing feeling affected in the slightest, Yixing caught his wrist and pulled him back and with his back against the shelf Yixing kissed someone that wasn’t Yifan, for the first time in fourteen years.

  
Chuanli was fast in responding, pressing his thigh between Yixing’s and caging him between his arms he delved his tongue into Yixing’s mouth and rolled his hips against Yixing's. Yixing moaned embarrassingly loud at the contact and with his hands in the back pockets of Chuanli’s jeans he pulled him forward and ground their hips together again and again while sucking on his tongue. He pushed hard against Chuanli’s chest, moving him backwards step by step to the couch in the music theory section and pushed him down without breaking contact, climbing quickly into his lap. With his hands fisted in Chuanli’s hair and their tongues gliding wetly against each other Yixing ground down on Chuanli, rubbing his ass against his hard cock and moaned at the tight grip Chuanli had on his thighs. The fervor with which Chuanli responded to him, and the pleasure of his hands and his mouth and his tongue and everything made Yixing forget that he should not be doing this, that under no circumstances was this alright, and all that went through his clouded mind was moremoremore. He felt so wanted.

  
Chuanli’s hands slid up and down his thighs and his thumbs dragged along the outline of his cock and his hands went around his waist and cupped his ass, never stilling as they travelled up his back and their mouths never parted from the slow kissing they had settled into. Yixing rolled softly down onto Chuanli’s cock and they way the young man groaned and clutched at him reminded Yixing of Yifan at the same age, before they were famous and before they started falling apart. Chuanli’s hands felt like his own, calloused from guitar strings and strong and they held him safely by the hips while Yixing moved against him, unbuttoning Chuanli’s jeans and pulling his cock out.  
«Higher Chuanli» he mumbled between kisses and pulled at his cock in long strokes. Chuanli rubbed at Yixing’s hips and dropping his head to kiss and lick at his collarbones and groaned at the friction to his cock.  
«Mmm Yixing, I want to fuck you» he growled against his chest, and Yixing groaned and mumbled again, «higher Chuanli» and Chuanli grabbed the globes of Yixing’s ass, squeezing them between his hands.  
  
His cock wasn’t as big and his hands were smaller. He felt his inexperience in Chuanli’s touch, his hips were bruising but it was at his back that he wanted Chuanli’s hands. His tongue was exploring Yixing’s mouth like he was uncovering new territory, not like he was claiming an already discovered area, and even if he never thought he would Yixing felt the difference more keenly than he felt their difference in size. Chuanli’s inexperience, his awkward touches and porn-scripted words were nothing like Yifan’s teasing and certainty and knowledge of Yixing’s body. As if someone had taken a blow dryer to his ear at full strength Yixing felt the mist clouding his head disappear and as he realized what he was doing he sprung up from the couch and Chuanli’s lap, his whole body shaking uncontrollably. He heard Chuanli sputter words at him and saw his hands reach for him, but he danced out of reach.  
«You need to go» he breathed. «You need to go now and please Chuanli. Don’t come back».  
Yixing spent that night sitting in the cold and dark living room, staring out of the large windows. He left the morning after for Beijing, a day earlier than he was meant to.  
  
Lu Han opened the door dressed in briefs and a white shirt, unbuttoned, and Yixing would feel guilty for barging in on him when he was obviously busy if he wasn’t so out of his mind with guilt already for what he did. And anyway, Lu Han took one look at his face and dragged him to the kitchen for a cup of hot tea and vanilla biscuits. Ginny came in five minutes later dressed in Lu Han's sweatshirt and not much else, but took no heed when she realized Yixing was too distraught to notice. Ten minutes after ringing the doorbell to his best friend’s house Yixing was wrapped in a comfy blanket with a pot of soup in front of him along with the tea and his favorite biscuits and the couple was sharing a stool across from him, looking at him with such concern Yixing knew he didn’t deserve.

  
Yixing spilled his guts in between spoonful’s of hot soup and Lu Han listened with a small frown on his lips, but with sympathy in his eyes and when he was done, when he had cried himself to sleep in Lu Han’s lap on their couch with Ginny’s hand running through his hair the two shared a look and knew it was time for them to step in. As it seemed like Yixing would sleep for some time the two retreated to their bedroom and didn’t resurface until evening when they found Yixing sitting on the couch with the packet of vanilla biscuits between his legs and Tangled playing on the television.  
  
Lu Han and Yixing spent the next week living in the studio, writing and recording and talking about nothing but music. As they usually talked about anything and everything the lengths Lu Han went to to avoid talking about The Subject served to make things insufferably and abnormally awkward between them. It was three days in when Lu Han broke, he never liked avoiding confrontation when it was necessary and with his wife pushing at him to fix this he couldn’t possibly go back home without having done his work.

  
«You need to tell him Xing» he said quietly over sheets of notes and scribbled lyrics. «You can’t wait with something like this, you need to tell him now and then when you both get home you can talk it out. Keeping it from him will only make it worse.» He said nothing more on the subject and they didn’t talk about it for the remaining time they spent together, but when Yixing came back inside five hours later with red eyes and looking even more broken than he did before, Lu Han knew there was nothing more he could do.  
  
(The phone rang an agonizing seven times before Yifan picked up and the sound of his voice had Yixing in tears and unable to speak. When Yifan asked him if everything was alright Yixing let out a sob and slid down the wall until he was sitting on the cold asphalt and mumbling I’m sorry over and over. When he managed to whisper the truth about what he did amongst choked repetitions of apologies the line went quiet for a long while before it disconnected, leaving Yixing alone in the sudden icy cold that seemed to come from within.)  
  
  
After the week had passed Yixing was once again standing in front of the couch in his music shop where his life may very well have been ruined and then and there decided it needed to go, he wouldn’t be able to look at it without breaking inside.  
  
Another five days passed in a haze, he couldn’t bare the thought of opening shop and so spent all day wandering through the flat and strumming sad melodies on his guitar, sleeping little and eating even less.  
  
On the sixth day, ten days after they last talked, Yifan walked through the door. He had a look on his face Yixing didn’t know how to interpret and his fists were clenched at his sides so that the knuckles were white. There was silence for a long time except for the low sound of Yixing unconsciously running his fingers over the strings of his guitar where he sat on the floor looking up at Yifan.

After what might have been minutes Yifan moved towards Yixing, bent down and pushed their mouths together with a ferocity that surprised Yixing. The guitar made a resounding clang as it toppled to the ground when Yixing let go of it in favor of clinging to Yifan’s shoulders and kissing back with all he could. The kiss lasted for no more than seconds and Yifan was off, walking through the bedroom to the bathroom and slamming the door behind him. When he heard the shower running Yixing contemplated whether he should make dinner for the two of them or not, but upon realizing that this was a confrontation that needed to come sooner rather than later, he shuffled quietly into the bedroom and sat on the bed to wait. Yifan came out ten minutes later, naked with a towel wrapped around his neck and drying his hair, he walked to the closet and dressed as if Yixing wasn’t in the room watching him and the complete disregard for his presence caused Yixing to jump when Yifan suddenly spoke.

  
«Did he fuck you?» Yifan asked seeming disinterested, but the roughness of his voice belied his act. Yixing realized at that moment that he hadn’t really told Yifan what happened, only that he had cheated on him, and every scenario Yifan must have imagined over the almost two weeks that had passed suddenly popped into Yixing’s mind. He shook his head before remembering that Yifan still wasn’t looking at him, and said a clear «No».  
«Then what happened?» Yifan asked and Yixing felt his gut clench and his heart drop as he was forced to relive the events.  
«I kissed him,» he began slowly, «and he kissed back and it was in the shop on the couch» Yifan interrupted with a quiet «so that’s why it was missing» before nodding at Yixing to continue.

  
«We made out and his pants were open and then I realized what I was doing and I told him to leave and nothing else happened. I swear Yifan». Yixing’s voice was breathless at the end, his hands fisted in Yifan’s shirt since he had moved from the bed sometime. He could feel the muscles of Yifan’s back tense under his hands, could feel the rigidity in his posture before Yifan brushed his hands away and crossed to the bed, sitting down.

  
«Did you touch him?» he asked and looked right at Yixing, his stare burning into his eyes but still his eyes were cold and distant, «did you touch his cock Yixing?» he asked and his bluntness, the harshness of his voice caused Yixing’s entire body to flinch and he could only whisper «yes» as shame burnt through his heart. And suddenly he could see the despair in Yifan’s eyes, the tired paleness of his face and the sadness that had sunk deep into his bones and where before he could hardly speak Yixing couldn’t stop the words from flowing.

  
«I miss you Yifan. Every day, whether you’re here or not I miss you so bad. I miss being with you like we used to when there was nothing else that mattered, you always made me feel as if nothing else mattered and that’s because I love you so much, and that hasn’t changed Yifan, it hasn’t» his voice was desperate but he kept the distance of floorboard between them and their eyes locked.  
«I wanted you, in the moment it happened I wanted you so bad and I didn’t know what I was doing but he wasn’t you and that made me stop. When he touched me I felt the pleasure of his hands on me yes, but I felt nothing else because he wasn’t you and he didn’t know me, he didn’t know me like you do and that made it just wrong because no one can and no one should know me like you do…»

The rush of words were halted in a sharp intake of breath as Yixing found his body pushed up against the wall with Yifan’s hands on him and Yifan’s mouth pressing desperately against his and he was certain that Yifan would take him right there and than, but instead he was left standing as Yifan once again slammed the door after himself and this time Yixing heard the door to the staircase slam seconds later and he was alone again.  
  
The rest of the day was spent in silence, as was most of the following weeks, but the small touches and the way Yifan would look at him still gave Yixing hope that they would work things out. He knew they needed to talk about how to do that, but he’d let Yifan take his time. That Yifan was still there was enough for him.  
  
It was five weeks of tripping on words and circling around each other before Yifan, on a quiet Wednesday night, opened the conversation that would shape their relationship.  
«I need to know how we can fix this» he said quietly. They were sitting side by side on the couch where Yifan had pulled him nearly ten minutes earlier. Yixing started to correct him, tried to say that he was the one who needed to fix things, he was the one who screwed up, but in reality what he did was just the tip of the iceberg. Their relationship had been splitting at the ends, tearing apart, for months, years. So they sat in silence for several more minutes.

  
«I’m tired of hiding» Yixing announced suddenly, and it was not something he had ever given much thought, living in China and being public figures left little room for being open and honest and he had accepted that, but he knew as he said it that he was tired of it.  
«I want to be able to hold your hand in public, I want to go on dates that aren’t disguised as friends catching up. I want everyone to know you’re mine that you’re taken so they’ll stay away.»

  
«We both know knowing doesn’t always stop people from encroaching» Yifan let out and immediately dropped his head, «I’m sorry» he continued, «I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean to say that». Yixing stayed quiet, only looking at Yifan and waited.

  
«I want that too» Yifan said after another stretch of silence. «I want to announce to the whole world that you’re mine, I have always wanted that, but you know we can’t.» He sounded tired and Yixing knew he also felt the weight of secrecy as keenly as Yixing did.  
«Not here we can’t» Yixing said and in a split second it was clear to him what he wanted.

«We could move» he said, suddenly excited, «go someplace else where we can do all that. Canada! We could go to Canada, Yifan» he trailed off and frowned at Yifan’s lack of response. He could see him thinking and Yixing knew what Yifan would have to give up for this, but this wasn’t just relocating, this was their relationship, their love and Yixing saw this as the only way to salvage it. Yifan’s reluctance hit him like an atomic blast and the words left him before he could stop them.  
«Is your career more important than us?»

  
And Yifan looked at him, looked him in the eye and took Yixing's hands in his, «no, it’s not» he answered and then they were kissing, kissing like they hadn’t done for months and in that one kiss Yixing felt exactly how much Yifan loved him.  
They had so many things to talk about, so many small instances and threads that would take a long time to untangle, but as they fell back against the cushions, tangled in each other’s limbs and shedding clothes and kissing heated skin, they mattered little. And when Yifan’s hands touched him and his tongue swept through his mouth Yixing wondered how he possibly could have thought he could find this pleasure with someone else.  
  
*  
  
A lot happened in a short time after that and now, two weeks later, Yixing looks up at the small cabin far up in the mountains in Alberta, Canada and takes a deep breath of clean forest air. Behind him Yifan is trudging up the small hill from the parking spot and having insisted he carry most of their luggage, «because of your waist!», and the sound of his heavy breathing is loud in the snow-covered stillness around them.  
They have been looking at apartments in Vancouver, going back to where Yifan used to live, but Yixing thinks now that he would rather move here and settle down in the beautiful landscape, maybe at a small farm so they can buy a pony. And chickens.

  
«I think we should stick to a flat and a dog» Yifan says when he comes up next to him, «but I wouldn’t mind living here either.» He stomps past Yixing up to the door and drops the two heavy bags he is carrying right into the snow at his feet so he can search through his pockets for the key. Yixing shuffles through the high snow and helpfully jingles the keys in front of Yifan’s face, stealing a kiss when Yifan turns to look at him with a sheepish smile.  
Inside is about as cold as the outside, but there is firewood stacked in the grate as well as in a metal basin beside it and Yifan makes quick work of it while Yixing wanders through the small cabin, into the bathroom and through to the bedroom. He comes back out with a white fur throw over his shoulders and dances around the kitchen and into Yifan’s arms.  
«I love it» he says and they both smile.

  
The mood between them has lifted significantly in the past two weeks as they have made sure to keep a level head when talking about all the little problems that have littered their relationship for so long, working through the knots one by one, and making sure to show as much affection as they can every day. Suffice to say that their bed has seen a lot of them these two weeks, as has their couch and the shower and even the kitchen counter. Yixing almost feels like a teenager again, having just met the love of his life in a staircase of an entertainment company in a foreign country, and exploring their obsession with each other and their stamina fuelled by teenage lust. He absolutely loves it.

  
«Can we get a Pomeranian? Or a Shih tzu? Or a chow-chow?!» «Cute fluffy dog, alright!» Yifan smiles down at Yixing, tilting his face up by the chin and looks at him. He has always done that, simply looking at Yixing with that soft smile with no teeth and his eyes are so warm Yixing can feel the gentle heat of his stare settle in his body, the one that makes him feel so loved.  
Then Yifan smiles that big gummy smile of his and says, «you are so very beautiful», and Yixing can’t help but laugh because he sounds just like a child when he does that and he is reminded that Yifan really is just a sweet fool even if he doesn’t look like one.  
They eat a quick lunch of soup and rice before Yifan convinces Yixing to build a snowman with him below the window, and the rolling of snow turns into Yixing throwing a rain of snow at Yifan which then escalates to a snowball fight that last until they are both soaked through and cold and the sun is setting. The snow is falling more rapidly now and their tracks outside are already being covered by the new snow that never lets up, even hours later when they lie under white sheets and brown fur blankets and the coals are simmering in the grate.  
  
The next morning Yixing is glad they had the foresight to bring in more firewood the night before as when he wakes, before Yifan as usual, the door refuses to budge even when he throws his entire weight against it and when he looks out the small glitch in the snow covered window he sees snow a meter high blocking the only door out of the cabin.  
Yifan wanders in about half and hour later, barefoot on the parquet and scratching his head.

  
«Good morning» he says through a yawn, places a kiss on top of Yixing’s head passing by the chair where he is seated in front of the fireplace. There is coffee on the pot for him, but no breakfast so he pulls out a pan and starts with boiling water. He can find something to put in it when he is a little more awake.  
With his coffee cup in one hand, the other still running through his own hair, Yifan sits down on the armrest of Yixing’s chair and watches him scribble on some lyrics, crossing out words and sentences and rewriting others.

  
«For Han?» he asks, his left hand now running through Yixing’s hair.  
«No» Yixing answers after a beat and another crossed out sentence, «for you». And there is quiet again, only the sparks from the flames and the sound of pencil on well-worn paper. Yifan lifts from the chair after a couple minutes to rummage through the small fridge for ingredients and settles on improvising a soup of broccoli and carrot and ramen seasoning. He is quite proud of how it turns out.

  
The day goes on with them snowed in and eventually with no electricity, but with candles placed around the rooms and the sound of Yixing’s guitar strumming the mood is content and Yifan is dozing on the couch, as he has been for the last hours while Yixing composed. The silence between them is no longer strained as it has been for so many months none of them can tell exactly how long, instead it is a comfortable silence with Yifan offering lyrics when Yixing, in his soft voice, tries singing the song he is working on and they both feel how much they have missed working together like this.  
  
Yifan is almost asleep when the silence hits him, the absolute kind of silence where Yixing has stopped playing and, for all that he can guess with his eyes closed, left the room. He has almost woken completely when Yixing comes back with his arms loaded with blankets and pillows which he dumps on the floor in front of Yifan before disappearing again, coming back a minute later with even more pillows and the thick fur throw from their bed. He arranges them in a comfortable-looking bed on the floor with the fur throw as the main point in his fort.

The days are short in winter and outside the sun is already setting, leaving only the candles and the fireplace as their source of light, and Yixing looks beautiful lit up by the golden red hue from behind and it has Yifan joining him on the floor even before Yixing can finish creating this little palace of blankets and pillows and warmth. The kiss he draws Yixing into has the other man letting out a sound of surprise, but he quickly melts into Yifan’s chest, pushing him down to lie against the fur and blankets while Yixing settles on top of him, lying against his chest with his fingers tangled in Yifan’s hair as they kiss.

They lie entangled in the cluster of softness, Yixing wearing Yifan’s shirt and Yifan wearing a large sweater of Yixing’s that was probably Yifan’s at a point in time, lips gliding softly over each other’s. Clothes ware lost and they lay on their sides, slotting their bodies together as tightly as they can and Yifan says «I love you». Yixing felt his eyes water but smother his tears in another kiss. They have not said those three words again since reconciling and hearing the emotion in Yifan’s voice, having him be the first to say it, lifts Yixing high into the space reserved only for the two of them where their love is all that mattered. He pulls at Yifan’s back, digging fingers into muscle and sharp shoulder blades to pull the older man to cover him, guiding him between his legs by hooking his ankles at Yifan’s hips.

  
«Then love me Yifan, love me» he breaths, arching his head back and keening low in his throat when Yifan drags his mouth down the side of his neck. Yifan’s hands grasp his hips and balancing on his knees he thrusts forward, bringing their cocks into hot contact. Yixing throws his hand out, slapping the floor in his search for the bottle of lube he had brought from the bedroom and pushes it into Yifan’s hands, unable to wait for much longer.

Yifan takes it from him but places it on the blanket beside Yixing’s head and runs his hands over Yixing’s body, fingers gently scratching over his nipples and palms dragging firmly over his shoulders and down his back until Yifan has him encircled in his arms so he can kiss him firmly yet sweetly, opening Yixing’s mouth with his tongue and swiping inside. He kind of loves the way Yixing opens up to him, how he gives himself over to him because Yixing knows that Yifan has issues with letting other people control his body, but Yixing is being especially submissive (has been for the last two weeks) and he knows it is because Yixing feels guilty. He doesn’t say anything, because he does really like it, and that makes _him_ feel guilty, but still he takes whatever Yixing offers. He learned early on that with Yixing it is better to take too much than to reject what he is given.

  
And so he does just that, he takes Yixing’s mouth and subdues his tongue into compliance at the same time as he covers his fingers with lube and pushes two inside of Yixing at once, feeling him loose around his fingers, and spreads them apart as far as he can and then curls them together around Yixing’s prostate. At the spark of pleasure Yixing’s body convulses around his fingers and his back arches far up from the furry ground. The sight of him pulls at Yifan’s loins and his commitment to teasing Yixing’s body into overstimulation goes right out the window as he finds his hands hastily coating his cock in lube and he is pushing inside in one swift move.  
All the haste of the moment however, is lost once he is seated in Yixing’s warmth, feeling Yixing’s hot walls clench around his bare cock, and his next thrust is measured and slow, an agonizing pull and drag of pleasure coursing through them both.

And it is like that, the scent of vanilla and pomegranate and burnt wood, with Yifan loving him into the blankets and pillows and fur, again and again and again, that love finds them for the third time, this time in it’s absolute.


End file.
